I was chatting online to a friend today, when she asked me how business was going. I answered with (pretty much my default) answer. “Its amazing! I love it! I’m so lucky!”
Of course this is not always true; the amazingness and loveliness and luck are often marred by things like deadlines and cash flow and rain-when-there-was-supposed-to-be-no-rain, but in general, this is pretty much the only way I can think of my life. It would be total “spoiled brat” not to.
Because it IS amazing, that I do what I love, that thing being filmmaking and that thing containing a proporionately perfect amount of writing, visual creativity, meaningful content and Type A organisational skills, that is exactly correct for my idiom. Also, I am well and truly in love with working for myself (despite all the requisite responsibilities and logistical hassles).
However, sometimes I feel a niggling conscience prick when I deliver my unequivocal “Its amazing! Everything’s amazing!” because on Sunday evenings, when I’m getting the “back-to-school blues”, it does haunt me that perhaps by doing what is my passion, I have taken a real swinger to the solar plexus of that very passion. Because trying to force creativity when there isn’t a drop left or trying to understand a balance sheet, when one is actually feeling right-brain creative, does somewhat suck the marrow from the sometimes not so juicy bone. And strangely enough, sometimes its the very things I should be getting super-excited about (bids to make documentaries for UNICEF, lovely Dutch directors sending me their life’s work script to produce, Nigerian guys phoning me up to direct their documentary about soccer out of the blue), that I am in fact wary and nervous of, because my head just isn’t in that game at that moment.
Sometimes I am so caught up in month-end payments and lower third titles, that I forget how wide open my life is and how enormously priviledged I should feel. So yeah, if everyone could just put their boring phone-calls about print cartridges and irritating requests for logo’s in different formats on hold, I would please like to get back to loving life!
PS. In other words, I need to surf. Duh!